ariadnescord

Blessings

Thu, 24 May 2007 02:15:18 GMT

I'm full of life and energy. I'm in good health and have so much to be thankful for.

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 00:26:42 GMT

Good food. Good company. Good conversation.
Sitting and talking for hours after being treated to one of the best meals you've ever had....

It really does not get any better than that.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 02:36:58 GMT

I'm really struggling right now with class. I guess reading all the chapters more thoroughly, more than once will be the best thing. It's all I can think of to do. But there is still all this pressure on me to Pass the next tests....I better. I've come this far, I can't fail out now.

aloneness in context...or what is really counter-cultural

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 02:26:49 GMT

I always viewed myself as counter-cultural. I always saw myself as separate from the proverbial 'crowd'. Never in my life have I been in with the in-crowd, or been able to fit into any kind of group or really feel at home with any group of people -- until I found Holy Mother Church, with the beauty and strength She offers. You know, I knew some Christians at Goucher, occasionally ate meals with them at Stimson, and they all seemed very nice, caring, giving people. It just wasn't a particular point and time in which it occurred to me that maybe their group, the Goucher Christian Fellowship, was just what I would have needed. That since I was not Jewish like the majority of the population, GCF would be a better place for me to find friends and consistent activities that were in fact counter-cultural to the majority of clubs on campus. Unfortunately, I wasn't friendly enough with enough of the regular GCFers to tag along with them to any event--though if one had invited me, would I have gone? In college (at Goucher), everything, from whether or not you show up to class, eat at Stimson or Pearlstone, do your required work by the due date--whatever--it's all up to you. No one's going to force you to go anywhere or do anything. You pretty much have to make your own fun, create your own livelihood, decide for yourself what's important, etc. There's not a good chance anyone would have invited me out to a Christian cook-out e.g.--I would have had to take it upon myself to join the club and see for myself if it was for me. It was all up to me.

While I was not practicing religion those years, what I did know was that Protestantism was not for me and most definitely did NOT want to be one of those "Bible Christians" who had no church, simply read Scripture and took whatever passages they liked, disregarding the rest, and interpreting it however they see fit depending on their mood or the day. That's so loosey-goosey. At the same time, I feared Catholicism greatly--as I'd not yet taken it upon myself to gain an understanding of Her teachings, the Mass, why things are the way they are, etc. No one had ever taught me, really, so I had to take it upon myself to learn--but didn't until way later. No, at the time, instead of learning about Catholicism and finding faith, I watched many John Waters movies. Not exactly...a faith-building, G-rated, wholesome type of activity. (John Waters is himself a lapsed Catholic, but he hasn't exactly journeyed himself back to the Church yet...he never seemed anywhere near that route!). Goucher would purport itself, its politics, and information taught in most of its classrooms as "counter cultural" while ACTUALLY it would have been the most counter-cultural thing in the world for me, at Goucher, to take conservative social stances and become a believing, practicing Catholic in full communion with the Church. Goucher sees itself as counter-cultural when it is no such thing. It is THE establishment, while the Catholic Church is swimming against the tide of the views of our elitist, politically correct education establishment as well as our wasting, hedonistic culture as whole.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:21:46 GMT

I don't think there's much more I can do as far as de-hermitizing myself, getting out there, meeting people and making myself seem interesting and attractive that I don't already do within the scope of what is available to me in my immediate surroundings and in where my interests/talents lie. But there still may be more to consider, i.e., perhaps volunteer work. There are lots of possibilities of places to volunteer:
SPCA
hospitals
art museum
science museum
hospices
I know that I can help people if I just allot the time.
But-far as meeting people my age, I will participate in any & every appropriate, clean and sober activity that will put me in that context. Any that I know of. I am interested in meeting new people and in activities which for my own sake do not involve alcohol.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 01:25:50 GMT

I feel absolutely sick. I am such an uncomfortable person. I have done so many evil things. I am not worthy to be called a child of God. I feel absolutely sick. Yes, I am different--too much so it seems. I don't really relate to anyone. I am all alone.

no more 'falling' in love

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 03:07:18 GMT

We make the decision whether to accept and love God, or to reject Him and His will for our life. In the same way, we make the conscious decision whether or not to love another human being. the phrase 'falling in love' is misleading and sets the spark for the formula of divorce that plagues the modern era. 'Falling' implies this is something that happens on accident which we have absolutely no control over. The ever-present, Hollywood ideal of that swooney, mushy, romantic feeling is what leads everyone to believe that that is what sustains a marriage and longterm relationship, when evidence from the lasting marriages we see around us (not found in Hollywood) point to the fact that love is much, much more than butterflies in the stomach or an immature, uncontrolled feeling. Love and commitment is a mature decision that requires full agreement and consent on both ends, with the willingness to accomodate for extraordinary life changes that will occur from letting go of much of the independence you gained from singleness. Above all else, love is sacrifice. The willingness and utmost desire to devote one's life to serving and caring for another. One must think rationally and long and hard, when deciding whether or not to love another, letting that thinking, and not a melting romantic feeling that may be gone tomorrow, override our decision to make a lifelong loving commitment to another.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 04:04:04 GMT

Goucher's campus was so secluded, woodsy, tucked in, cozy. I think newsweek described the campus as 'bucolic'. I always liked walking around the loop at night, especially in cooler weather when I could wrap scarves and hats and sweaters all around me and FEEL the cozy safe tucked in-ness. totally. I always felt safe walking around outside at night. And the campus was just your own little world. Some people went whole semesters without ever leaving campus. (Which is probably a bit unhealthy, but the whole idea is so far removed from everything out in the real world it's hard to even fathom now.)

For this reason I really don't think I would have liked VCU or any school that was too big or with any kind of urban, sprawling campus. I liked knowing where everything is and always being within ten minutes of everything on campus. I wonder if I could go back if I would be a Bio. major. It just seemed reasonable if I was going to go to a liberal arts college, to study liberal arts rather than the hard sciences. But bio most certainly would have been a good thing to study. As long as all the lab equipment/technology was up to date and it wasn't 'biology from a liberal arts' perspective. There isn't anything like pre-med or pre-law in undergrad nowadays. It's usually just Bio and PoliSci now, I'd assume.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 19:10:36 GMT

I liked fall01 too. Fall02 sucked and the whole freshman year for me was very blah because I'd not yet found my niche, hadn't really gotten into the groove of being there (that took some time) and wasn't sure what I wanted to study, what clubs or groups I wanted to be involved in, so I found myself really bored a lot of the time.. that had also to do with the fact that I didn't have a car, so couldn't go out exploring on my own either.

Fall01 I remember going to towson mall and getting some good shopping done there. This sounds shallow and probably stupid but there really was no better mall than the towson town center. It was always so dangerous to go in there. To distract (or perhaps build?) myself I started to become more interested in finding high fashions that look good on me that one term, and it's stayed with me to this day (woo hoo). The colors outside were also very beautiful in the fall and the cool autumn air always felt good, especially when walking around the campus at night. Also that term I went to folk shows and BG over the fall break and took a philosophy course, the ideas and ethics I learned from I still carry with me. Even if the 'philosophers' studied were bunk, it's still good to be aware of the influences on western civilization and to be aware of what these thinkers thought, even though they may or may not be useful for living out my own life. I mean, existentialism used to speak to me, and who knows it might still, but it did start to get a little too despairing after awhile. And the instructor for the journalism course I took was really the only good and solid professor I had at goucher. He actually worked in the field and could tell it like it really is. 9/11 happened while taking that course so so many things forever changed in the country, changing our outlook, the international dynamic (or at least everyone's AWAREness of it), the role and shifting gears in terms of priorities of the President, and what we were seeing on the frontpages of every newspaper in the world every single day from then on.

reminisce sometime

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 04:32:27 GMT

it's odd that I should really miss that term that much, though. I mean...it kind of didn't take long for it to fall apart for all of us. it was easy for me to become unhappy due to [pending doom of next year and] A's crumbling state and become sort of over-involved in the after effects. We were all three of us (or maybe just A and I) were at this tiny liberal arts college and didn't know really why (or didn't know what the heck would happen to us, why we wanted to be there or what have you). Being near the end of our stay there didn't help the anxiety. The only thing good that came out of it was us becoming closer, becoming so close that one term. I recall before it all came crumbling down all around us I used to visit her at the library and we'd talk art history and get milkshakes afterward at the gh.

The drive back and forth to goucher wasn't that great, except until I got into the 'lectures on tape'. I listened to existentialism & the meaning of life, aristotle's nichomachean ethics, thoreauvian virtues, grecoroman astronomical discoveries/theories, pythagorus. [..this isn't relevant to anything I just said, I'm just trying to recall and get a feel for that year. I miss those road trips, actually. I liked 3.5 hours alone with myself in the car to mix the cd's up and listen to whatever the hell I wanted, to turn everything off or listen to the tapes and contemplate existence and non -existence and the meaning of life or nothing at all if I felt like it]

that semester wasn't so great in a lot of ways, but the way we took comfort in each others suffering is something I felt I could wrap around me and feel completely safe in, like a cocoon. like warm sheets and a plastic and thermal blanket completely surrounding my aura. it's odd how misery can just draw you in sometimes. the reason I wasn't happy was cos I was thinking toward the hereafter, and if I could go back 3 years I'd probably once again feel the same kind of anxiousness, though there are SOME things I know now I wish I knew then. I desperately wish I'd known those things then. But by that point there was nothing I could do about my degree there, it was way too late to change my major or transfer or anything, so I just rode it out for lack of a better plan. And I liked the liberal arts fine, I'm just starting to find out now just how good a healthy dose of 'useful' knowledge can be too...

that was the only term at goucher that was really at all very memorable for me. I'll hold onto it for what it's worth. if A had been there in the spring, things would have been different. we still kind of saw her a lot in the spring, though the dynamic had changed. turns out I wasn't able to save her from herself and nor could anyone else. I liked how it was much cooler/colder fall to spring in baltimore than it is here.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 02:14:41 GMT

random: I kinda miss fall03. I was just thinking about it for some reason. Back before matt went psycho, or was psycho but I tolerated it enough because it was a time when he was actually nice to me. Every weekend, he, andrea and I getting ice cream or me getting vanilla caramel lattes at gloria jeans at towson town center. movies at the charles. late night snacks at towson diner or dunkin donuts. listening to Yo La Tengo and this american life episodes in my Bacon 3 room. A and I dying our hair a deep deep red. wandering around ellicott city, getting indian food, window shopping, trying on outlandish hats in vintage shops. In other words, getting wayyy too distracted from the studying I should have been doing a lot of the time, so it goes, alas... But I did end up learning a lot in the history of architecture class, even if I had to complete the work over that winter break, I really did..

I knew it would be my last fall at goucher, and possibly my last fall living in the baltimore area. So it was tinged with melancholy in that regard. The following spring wasn't quite as cool, was rather anti-climactic really. Maybe there's just something about fall that I'm drawn to, of being wrapped up in sweaters and scarves and drinking apple cider and taking walks in the cool air over blacktops strewn with wet leaves and the faintest hint of winter in the air... I loved falls at goucher. The colors around campus were beautiful.

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 23:02:47 GMT

I realized that I really do not like politics. I don't like talking about/discussing/debating it. I can't remember the last time I talked about politics and particularly enjoyed or found it at all satisfying. My temperament is really not at all suited toward this topic in conversation, and though it's nice if I find my views are similar to a friend's, it's not likely to be something I'd wish to discuss often. Besides, you're not going to find someone that totally agrees with you on everything anyway and it bugs me when people start talking about something assuming the other person must necessarily share their views..

why I don't like this topic, because it makes people upset. It makes me upset. And you might THINK most people understand to stick to 'safe' topics of conversation with people they don't know so well, but unfortunately that's not always the case.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 01:30:40 GMT

I think maybe......

I'll never get another haircut again. Ah, how liberating to let my hair flow free, and not be bound in chains to cuts and trims every 3 months. It'll be an experiment. To see how long it can grow, since I've never had it THAT long at any point. Just let it grow. . .

I'd been sick of short hair for quite awhile anyhow.

woo

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 01:16:10 GMT

let freedom ring

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 19:42:07 GMT

Being good at math + chemistry would make my life a whole lot simpler right about now.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 16:53:30 GMT

russian existentialist philosopher Nicholas Berdyaev said that loneliness is part of the human condition and that loneliness occurs because, deep down, we all realize that neither a man by himself nor a woman by herself is biologically completely human. Each lacks the perfections and capabilities of the opposite sex, and in that sense each is incomplete-and lonely-without the other.

men and women are different and in many ways complementary. There are differences between men and women that have nothing to do with genitals. the differences have been found in every culture; among others, they differ in aggression and general activity level, types of cognitive strength, sensory sensitivity, and sexual behavior. these differences matter spiritually and physically.

[I am happy to admit that 2 people of the same sex have an easier time understanding and relating to each other. But it's not piles upon piles of similarities that bring us closer or deepen our union, it's the differences. A relationship between 2 men or 2 women will be necessarily lopsided, both spiritually and anatomically and therefore ultimately unsatisfying. so by giving the status of "Marriage" to a type of union we know is far from ideal, we've done ourselves a great disservice.]

"Sexual complementarity between man and woman makes possible another feature of marriage: the giving of life. The love between man and woman is designed to call new human life into existence and in so doing make the shared life of the couple more abundantly fulfilling. It does not always produce new life, but that is what it is designed to do. So marriage, to succeed, must be exclusive, permanent, unconditional, and open to new life."

So still, even if a heterosexual couple is infertile, they still enjoy sexual complementarity.

This should be easy for any rational mind to understand anyway: penises go into vaginas, they don't go into other penises. the rectum is not designed for sex; it's extremely fragile and breaks, tears & bleeds easily (which is why STD's pass quicker anally than any other method - especially AIDS - by upwards of 90%). the common sense definition of a family (and what is the best environment for raising children) consists of a MOTHER and a FATHER. Children who grow up deprived of a mother or father reap the repercussions and then some. Homosexuality goes against the natural design of humanity. I realized this awhile ago, the realization consisting of regaining a lot of long-gone common sense so I could think with a clear head...

Today a slick campaign of propaganda is spreading an inane apologia of evil, a senseless cult of Satan, a mindless desire for transgression, a dishonest and frivolous freedom, exalting impulsiveness, immorality and selfishness as if they were new heights of sophistication.”-Archbishop Comastri

We are more interested in Novelty than in Truth: People who've never bothered to read what the church says about Jesus will eagerly soak up every new fad the culture has to offer.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 14:53:01 GMT

I need to buiiiiiiiiiild some money back up. For serious.

Though it's hard to say if that's ever gonna really happen at this point. Ever for a reallly really long time anyway. gah. Such as it is.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 20:30:12 GMT

There is no way to get good, or get better, except through practice. There's no way to improve my vibrato and strengthen those fingers except through practice. In the same way, you gotta buff up those callouses so they may help produce a broad, stronger, richer sound. There's no real way to strengthen my fingers for violin-playing except through actual playing. So, getting to where you are GOOD takes a lot of time. Time, patience and practice.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 01:25:19 GMT

I don't just want a job that 'pays the bills'. My main goal in life doesn't revolve around the dollar. If all I cared about was money and the nature of the work that yields said high six figure amount was immaterial, I would have gone on to get an IT degree. Ehhhhhhh in all actuality I don't possess the intelligence, drive, and/or innovation skills to yield that high a salary. That would involve not working for anyone else, but working for myself on the basis of commission like all the rich capitalists. In the realm of computers... nothing consisting of any substance or just anything REAL coming from deep within me tugged me toward that! Nothing! I was curious as to where all the jobs nowadays were, since they certainly don't teach you that information in liberal arts colleges, and everyone all around me kept saying all the jobs were in IT. Okay. But IT? Computers? Borrrring. I want to help people, and I personally could care less about knowing how to fix a computer. The useful skill I want to obtain involves helping people, using the qualities I already possess of empathy and caring.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 01:39:12 GMT

I hate cooking. Just like photography, I have no patience for it. I like cooking for other people, but only as a sign of love and devotion, not because I'm any good at it.

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 19:22:08 GMT

Older guys like younger girls because they're more attractive. Not because they find younger girls' company intellectually stimulating, not because they respect these girls as people--if you're cute, they'll look at, pay attention to you. Might even give you a big tip if you're their cocktail waitress. But take you seriously? Never. They're just looking to get some ass or at the least get some young naive girl who doesn't know any better but has so much to learn to fawn over them. It's probably an ego-feeding thing; younger girls will think they're great for the sheer fact that they're older. Older guys are always looking to get with younger girls, and if you ARE the younger girl you have a lot to be creeped out/careful about.

This is why I'm so distrustful of anyone over say 5 years trying to ask me out. Not that they will, I just certainly hope it won't happen, it seems like a bad idea. I want someone that's smart, mature, with good common sense and all that, but NOT someone that could be my father. I already have a dad thanks I don't need any oedipus complex going on.

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 15:55:43 GMT

I was a snot-nosed teenager. I remember at 16 and 17 thinking I was really mature, and I thought myself more 'politically aware' at 18 than most kids my age. At 19 I wrote that 'I know that I never did anything wrong and I am just and right in everything I believe' to make myself feel ok about hating on religion. I've gotten rid of a lot of those writings, because it seemed like bad luck to keep them around, since I'd grown up from that period.....really, the only way I know I've matured from being 19 is by admitting and fully owning up to my self-deludedness. I was @ the time struggling to find my place, and it's unfortunate that I was utterly brainwashed + misguided by some key sources.

Looking back though, I notice that most teenagers think they know everything. Most think they are smarter than their elders/parents and think they're so totally grown up already, when it's rarely the case.

Still, my ripping up those papers with those writing hurt and felt like I was ripping up my heart or part of my inner being a little. Like I was invalidating some real things I was feeling at the time. Although, with all I wrote about being numb, more often than not I was struggling TO feel something, something real. I wasn't able to find something true and real, but I WANTED it.

Wow...

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 22:35:39 GMT

Holy crap.... What say you about this, Batman?

Everyone I knew in MS (and K-8) is married with children now. Some I've run into, some I found on MySpace. Many started having kids in highschool. None of it surprises me....but wow, seriously... 2 or 3 kids by the time you're 23. It's crazy. I can't even imagine. I'm sure their children bring them great joy, but think of all the poverty involved. I know there's no way I would have been mature enough to handle the overwhelmingness of raising chillins, even if I did get married at 19 or something.

I'm not sorry that I didn't go to public high school. That place was the ghe-TTO. It's no wonder ghetto was part of its name.

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 21:02:35 GMT

I don't mind any kind of pre-packaged food or [call me white trash] TV dinners. who has time to cook? in what way is it even worth the effort if it's just for yourself? it takes an extraordinary amount of patience [if you have the means to begin with] spending 30-45 mins. throwing something together, or waiting for a fish to fry, if you'd rather be able to eat almost as soon as you walk in the door. I used to like cooking for my family, but never just for me. It's sad, cos I should continue to use all the PC items I have, in some way, since I invested in them.

There's also the fact that I can't eat the same leftover more than twice before I'm sick to death of it, or even the same food period--once I crave it and have it, I probably won't want it again for some time. My palate is wired toward versatility.

Snap

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 05:05:06 GMT

With the way things are going it's....doubtful I'll ever get in touch with the Norwegians again. It's not likely at all. Sad, very sad, but just the way it goes I guess.

But here are some possible trips I'd like to pursue, or keep in the back of my mind, for the coming year and beyond:
- Boston to see the newlyweds
- Austin to see cousin (I'd really rather go here than MA, at this point, since I've never been that far south to TX and it sounds interesting..)
- VA Tech to visit other cousins while they're all still jumbled there all at once.
- Atlanta to see T-money
- Baltimore possible to see some ex-goucherians

....Seeing as I didn't get to do anything fun or go anywhere in 2k5. 05 SUCKED, majorly, for a lot of reasons, and I'm glad it's gone. It sucked, but I still learned a whole lot this past year, maybe more than ever before, at least relating to significance.